The origin of my devotion

In preparing for a recent workshop on the origins of Bhakti Yoga (yoga of devotion), I started thinking about the genesis of devotion in my life and why it is so central to my spiritual practice. I recently heard Sally Kempton explain that the root “Bha” in Bhakti means “to relish, to delight, to enjoy, and carries the connotation of tender heartedness.” I love that. Nothing feels truer to my experience than this.

So where did I get it, this Bhakti thing, and why has it felt like it’s always been there?

When I started to unpack it a bit, I was somewhat surprised with my discovery. I realized that it had a lot to do with both gain and loss. I realized that the two most precious things in my life, my marriage, and my yoga practice (meditation, chanting, asana, study) have come with a cost.

But effort and cost make things more precious, more treasured.

Because I am now a certificate carrying, proud member of the institution of marriage, I stand a little taller and shine a little brighter because of what it means to me. It means more because of what I have gained and what I have lost.

Not to be cliché, but our wedding truly WAS the happiest day of my life. The day that the world got to be witness to my tenderhearted devotion for my beloved. The institution of marriage, and the ceremony that commemorates it is not in any way insignificant. The declaration of love in such a public way shakes the rafters with its vibration.

But it did not come without a cost.

When I got married, new love vents opened up within me. I feel like my capacity to receive and express love expanded exponentially. I feel this when I look at my husband and I realize that I have never felt love so deeply and so clearly.

But not everyone chose to celebrate with us.

Knowing that there are people in my life who do not honor, respect, cherish, or celebrate this expression of love only intensifies it, and makes it more meaningful. A more evolved perspective is knowing that it’s not really their fault, particularly if you believe that our views are shaped by karma and conditions. However, on an emotional level, I’m not always that evolved, and I am sad that they do not, and cannot, share in my joy.

There were also gains and losses in relation to my yoga practice. When I decided to abandon my childhood religion, I lost my spiritual and social support network. In fact, I believed I had lost everything. But what I gained, even though I was unaware of it at the time, was freedom. Freedom to freely be a seeker of truth. I was blessed with a “seeking” “questioning” gene from the get go (my karma). I can’t remember a time when I was not wondering, what if. What if I didn’t feel what I feel? What if I were straight, what would my life look like? What would my relationships be like? What if I actually loved who I was? What if I was celebrated for who I was?

But now I ask different questions. What if I am the way I am because it is my destiny? What if the fire, the darkness, the doubt, the uncertainty, the despair, were all a part of my experience in order to help shape and mold devotion? To mold it in such a way that it would prove later to be a continual source of healing, a refuge, both for me and for others. What if the decades of searching for answers, the longing, were there to embed devotion so deeply in my heart that it would get transmitted even when I wasn’t aware of it? What if it all of this was to prepare me for falling in love and getting married?

The yoga tradition teaches that devotion is not something that we do. We can’t manufacture it. It is a gift from the goddess, the Shakti, the divine feminine, who wraps it in grace and seals it in our heart.

Devotion/Bhakti is passion, longing, tenderheartedness, a sense of awe. It is love and gratitude manifest:

I feel it most:

When I am in nature.

When I’m sitting in front of the harmonium.

When I’m chanting in a yoga class.

When I see emotional healing take place in front of my eyes.

When I remember my wedding day.

When I look at Danny and realize that I am the luckiest person in the world.

I relish, delight, enjoy, bow down to, and honor, the beauty, the grace, the love that fills my life.

Om.